I've seemed to feel the pull to write more again, as of late. the blog was a labor of love when i began it when I had decided to undertake my first marathon, and while it took time, it seemed to really bring me balance, joy, and an outlet that i didn't know i had at my disposal to help vent thoughts and feelings that seemed to come in large doses when i ran. Running has always been a source of great thought, and contemplative time, but i guess it wasn't until i really began to open up and pen them on the blog that i found this great platform to help me sort through and organize and journal the life going on under my moving feet and in between my swirling thoughts. While you can see the entries have been pretty sparse since 2012, I have kept up an "old school" journal with real ink and paper, and that has been good, at least. But back to that pull...
I don't have as much time as i did when i was blogging regularly, but i sure seem to have just as much thought and content to write about. My current running is on a sustained high that hasn't been reached in perhaps 6 years, I am coaching for the first time - my old high school at that, I'm back to running with a watch and absorbing information, feeling more open to the Spirit all around us, manifesting itself in more ways I am discovering, and on top of all that, i'm just feeling so richly blessed with a wonderful family of a beautiful wife and three daughters. I find, like running, and the things which eventually set us up with balance, harmony, self giving and emptying joy and peace, are the items that we work with through motivated intention rightly channel to staying properly formed, becoming those who become subjects of gravity toward,s with more ease and smoother course, to the weight of love.
and that is something we are wise to remember. love is part and parcel with a weight. the pull of love. someone once wrote, to love is to feel pain. And i think that is it's core, a suffering, a longing, something that carries such a tug to emote and lash in a myriad of directions, still all stemming from a root of Love....perhaps that is how we know it as simple yet loved human conscious children. and this mass of perception is because we can recognize and catch glimpses of something beyond...something that shows up in mysterious ways, that speaks of unchangeable love. unconditional love. love that is perfect and weightless. because it doesn't need an anchor. it loves all with purity. the creator of it, the manifestation of the weight of love, and blanket-er of it whose spirit is peace and comfort. who unveils windows into this love that encompasses all, even the definers of it, and those who let it open them up to trust, wonders, and comfort as we go...and as we be.
maybe a race this Saturday. stay tuned.
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
Tuesday, August 7, 2018
20 years a runner
Give or take a day or two, today marked the 20th year anniversary of me being a runner, and on a special note, it also coincided with me returning to the very place that trek began - Charlotte Christian School - but this time not as an incoming freshmen beginning his first season of cross country, but as an assistant coach.
I remember that first day at practice in 1998 in August pretty clearly. With basketball shoes, long basketball shorts, and a semi bowl hair cut I ran the same two warm up laps I ran today, 20 years later, and started the course of my life that would take me literally thousands of miles (and more to come) and began the bond of friendships that still last, as well as a love affair with running that for the most part has stayed true and matured over all those years.
The same trails were traversed today as a 34 year old as they were as a 14 year old. The pace probably not much different either, or the duration, as today - while in better shape - I sought out and latched on to a group of freshmen runners who I tried to encourage and begin with my relationship as not only their coach, but as a fellow runner who wants to share my love and any wisdom I've picked up that may help them open their eyes and carry them along the way.
It was only day one as a coach, with modest beginnings to whatever kind of coaching career may be in store, but it was nonetheless a very special and almost mystical symmetry to the first 20 years of me being a runner...a label that I include with whatever else may go along with it, but one that I am proud of and love, and one that I hope to impart on those other fellow Knights off Sardis Road as we run those trails off McAlpine that have so many fond memories.
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
dont fall apart on me tonight
as Bob Dylan is one of my all time favorite singer songwriters, and i guess overall people, considering what he has shared and given to the world, the title above is a very nice song from 1983 that he played with another of my favorite artists on, Mark Knopfler. I was playing it tonight while feeding the last bottle of the night to our 1 month old baby girl, not only singing along, but also singing it to her with the hopes that she would obey the commands in order to give us a peaceful night, which has not really been the case since she arrived in this world, as it is with most newborns.
i rearranged the desk to how i like it, for the first time since we have been in this house, and now with the new computer, i am once again beckoned to type some keys on this here blog.
Since my last post, I purchased a watch. Kind of big news, with it being one of the staples with runners, the fact that I haven't worn one in 3 years - let alone almost 6 with one that was a gps watch, and since my second to last post was ABOUT watch-less running! suppose that may have been a subconscious signal that I was changing.
Naturally, I've been quite inquisitive and curious to run again with a time piece, and with this one being......a gps watch with the latest features for the runner, even all the more so. As would indicate, the last few weeks, despite adding a newborn baby, my running has been pretty consistently frequent. of course I can tell you, given the ease of data, about 20 miles a week with about 4 runs in a 7 day period. It's getting hot, and my energy is sometimes lower and just different with going through the changes, the speeds aren't dramatically dropping - yet they are going down (faster). So all of that playing into the mix, I am not displeased.
As i wrap this blog up, it bookends nicely with the current song playing behind me, Baby, Stop Cryin from an album previous to the opening paragraph's, 1978 Street Legal- which ALSO double bookends Bob's evangelical christian trio of albums from 1979 and 81 (also good albums), with the hopes for tonight's slumber while one month old daughter optimistically snoozes the night away.
this was a nice little post - i have more to say about running, much to begin and continue a hopeful usage of writting for what i enjoy the well being and settling nature of it, introspectively. it's kind of creative and meditative. and helpful and a staple in running like the watch...a runners log.
i rearranged the desk to how i like it, for the first time since we have been in this house, and now with the new computer, i am once again beckoned to type some keys on this here blog.
Since my last post, I purchased a watch. Kind of big news, with it being one of the staples with runners, the fact that I haven't worn one in 3 years - let alone almost 6 with one that was a gps watch, and since my second to last post was ABOUT watch-less running! suppose that may have been a subconscious signal that I was changing.
Naturally, I've been quite inquisitive and curious to run again with a time piece, and with this one being......a gps watch with the latest features for the runner, even all the more so. As would indicate, the last few weeks, despite adding a newborn baby, my running has been pretty consistently frequent. of course I can tell you, given the ease of data, about 20 miles a week with about 4 runs in a 7 day period. It's getting hot, and my energy is sometimes lower and just different with going through the changes, the speeds aren't dramatically dropping - yet they are going down (faster). So all of that playing into the mix, I am not displeased.
As i wrap this blog up, it bookends nicely with the current song playing behind me, Baby, Stop Cryin from an album previous to the opening paragraph's, 1978 Street Legal- which ALSO double bookends Bob's evangelical christian trio of albums from 1979 and 81 (also good albums), with the hopes for tonight's slumber while one month old daughter optimistically snoozes the night away.
this was a nice little post - i have more to say about running, much to begin and continue a hopeful usage of writting for what i enjoy the well being and settling nature of it, introspectively. it's kind of creative and meditative. and helpful and a staple in running like the watch...a runners log.
Sunday, April 15, 2018
time and space
Nothing makes me more convinced that time and space are relative, than running the last 10k of a marathon. While the 6 marathons have all had unique experiences, the last part of the races have all shared a similar phenomena to varying degrees.
I believe a couple things start to open up during our runs. We begin to drift and settle into a trance of repetitive footfalls, breathing, and a lull of the speed of our vision the sights passing in our periphery. Mentally, we go from quick passing miles filled with adrenaline and optimism, into a drone of steady lapse during the middle of monotonous miles, until we start to hit, fight, and make our way through and beyond "the Wall." It is here where I have felt, along with countless other runners who may testify to the existence of what seems to be almost another dimension of the aforementioned shift of experience in time and space. I cant speak for all people, or even for all times of any given runner, but nonetheless having experienced this relativeness of our universal constructs shifting, where - time seems to almost freeze into a singularity of moment, and distance seems to stretch well beyond our conditioned experience of measurement, going through these final stages we come out on the other side of the finish line a new believer into worlds just beyond the veil, only entered through pain, trust, faith, fatigue, and strength synergized between mind, body, and spirit.
It was while listening to Audrey Assad's Joy of the Lord as I mowed the lawn today, that I began to muse on a collective thought from her words in the song, "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength", along with the pastor's reading in church today from Colossians 1:11, "being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance with patience with joy." As goes with most spiritual wisdom in the vein of counterintuitive-ness, it's not through an extraordinary portion of might or power that God gives, demonstrates, or teaches us in his showcase of strength, but it's through the ways of enduring, staying with, patience, faith, remaining, abiding, that we tap into and reflect and showcase the strength of God....that ultimately changes our trial into a joy, that is the result of a higher transformation, one that leaves us new and better, where as if we only were wielding the strength of God for our own advantage or short sighted, immature request to begin with. And so it goes, we come out of the refiners fire a better version or our self than we could dare even dream to ask going into our tribulation, trough, or dark night, that once again gives credence to God's ways being higher than ours.
the last thread that weaves into this post is drawing on the concept of time. Spiritual teachers of most traditions, including Christianity, will share that it is in the present that we can find peace. The hurt or pain of the past, and the anxiety of the future are not where we would be advised to spend our mental time. Reading C.S. Lewis The Screwtape Letters, he writes: "The Present is the point at which time touches eternity. Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is unknown, UN-Realized. For the past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays."
When you are hitting the wall in a marathon, as time slams to a halt, and the miles stretch on like a never ending horizon, the only friend you have is the present moment. It's as if we have reached a point in our bodily and mental fatigue that has stripped away all unrealities, shedding the unnecessary weight mentally and spiritually that we can no longer bare to carry, that we come to a stark and sober clarity of the present that gets us through to the finish. Recalling what we've accomplished thus far will either leave us with regret of how we went about getting to this point of pain, or a sense of pride of having done enough as is it, that those thoughts could derail us, just as much as thinking of how far we still have to go, and how we ever are going to get there, questioning how it ever could be, is also equally as dangerous. The mantra becomes "one foot in front of the other" in a lock step of present moment that eventually we find that finish line tape.
the strength we find in our endurance of the race in a marathon, or the just as real analogous 'marathon of life', is where we ultimately find our joy in the completion of being carried through by coming face to face with the present. There isn't a strength to achieve patience, but patience is the achievement of strength. amen.
I believe a couple things start to open up during our runs. We begin to drift and settle into a trance of repetitive footfalls, breathing, and a lull of the speed of our vision the sights passing in our periphery. Mentally, we go from quick passing miles filled with adrenaline and optimism, into a drone of steady lapse during the middle of monotonous miles, until we start to hit, fight, and make our way through and beyond "the Wall." It is here where I have felt, along with countless other runners who may testify to the existence of what seems to be almost another dimension of the aforementioned shift of experience in time and space. I cant speak for all people, or even for all times of any given runner, but nonetheless having experienced this relativeness of our universal constructs shifting, where - time seems to almost freeze into a singularity of moment, and distance seems to stretch well beyond our conditioned experience of measurement, going through these final stages we come out on the other side of the finish line a new believer into worlds just beyond the veil, only entered through pain, trust, faith, fatigue, and strength synergized between mind, body, and spirit.
It was while listening to Audrey Assad's Joy of the Lord as I mowed the lawn today, that I began to muse on a collective thought from her words in the song, "The Joy of the Lord is my Strength", along with the pastor's reading in church today from Colossians 1:11, "being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance with patience with joy." As goes with most spiritual wisdom in the vein of counterintuitive-ness, it's not through an extraordinary portion of might or power that God gives, demonstrates, or teaches us in his showcase of strength, but it's through the ways of enduring, staying with, patience, faith, remaining, abiding, that we tap into and reflect and showcase the strength of God....that ultimately changes our trial into a joy, that is the result of a higher transformation, one that leaves us new and better, where as if we only were wielding the strength of God for our own advantage or short sighted, immature request to begin with. And so it goes, we come out of the refiners fire a better version or our self than we could dare even dream to ask going into our tribulation, trough, or dark night, that once again gives credence to God's ways being higher than ours.
the last thread that weaves into this post is drawing on the concept of time. Spiritual teachers of most traditions, including Christianity, will share that it is in the present that we can find peace. The hurt or pain of the past, and the anxiety of the future are not where we would be advised to spend our mental time. Reading C.S. Lewis The Screwtape Letters, he writes: "The Present is the point at which time touches eternity. Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is unknown, UN-Realized. For the past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays."
When you are hitting the wall in a marathon, as time slams to a halt, and the miles stretch on like a never ending horizon, the only friend you have is the present moment. It's as if we have reached a point in our bodily and mental fatigue that has stripped away all unrealities, shedding the unnecessary weight mentally and spiritually that we can no longer bare to carry, that we come to a stark and sober clarity of the present that gets us through to the finish. Recalling what we've accomplished thus far will either leave us with regret of how we went about getting to this point of pain, or a sense of pride of having done enough as is it, that those thoughts could derail us, just as much as thinking of how far we still have to go, and how we ever are going to get there, questioning how it ever could be, is also equally as dangerous. The mantra becomes "one foot in front of the other" in a lock step of present moment that eventually we find that finish line tape.
the strength we find in our endurance of the race in a marathon, or the just as real analogous 'marathon of life', is where we ultimately find our joy in the completion of being carried through by coming face to face with the present. There isn't a strength to achieve patience, but patience is the achievement of strength. amen.
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
watchless running / Charlotte 10 Miler - Race Recap
The problem is, the more time that passes the more things I feel like i should fill in since the last post. Suppose that might be part of sensing I need to adhere to the overarching theme of this blog. But really what this writing does, for me anyway, is to conclude the fullness of the run (running produces so many thoughts - runners will understand this) where you uncork feelings sometimes adequately expressed, sometimes richer, sometimes fumbling to convey the experience - but nonetheless an outlet to give credence to the beauty of the ordinary and the magical, the painful and the soaring. And as an added bonus, in some ways it produces self motivation to have record of past experience to propel for future performance.
A running log is a staple of a runner. Metrics are vastly used in the sport during the act, and penning them is our scorecard to the days record for statistical qualifiers and missed marks, showcasing our ascent into being the best we can be. Also, honestly stating our struggles gives value to when we overcome the hardships and provides perspective to the fullness of our cycle.
My blog was humming well before I discovered Dr. George Sheehan, and when i discovered him and his works, I had let go of writing - but i have thought about practicing it again. Like he says, "never trust a thinker who is still." Running, like I said above, opens the mind for great thought and a space for the Spirit to speak. I read where a monk said that running is a little to much movement to achieve a definitive meditative state (where walking can achieve this given it's slower nature), but running comes pretty close. Of course, like with anything else, it's never guaranteed - this epiphany type state. Like our runs, where we think we are set for a great outing, we are left feeling dull and dry from time to time.
One of the thoughts I had today was, I think i want to get a running watch again. Now, i won't jump headfirst back into apparatuses and tools, but having gone almost three years watch-less, I think easing back in to something that keeps stopwatch and splits won't be too aggressive. And when i thought that i wanted a watch again, it made me think - relating back to Wonder Women which i watched the other night - where, in the movie, Wonder Women, who isn't really fully human is puzzled to discover that man subjects himself to "time". It was an interesting thought: Why do we do that? With running, we can attest that time is the biggest motivator. Knowing where the time is ticking can unleash great amounts of power we didn't suspect we had. And it made me wonder: could we still achieve the same great heights in running if time was not something we kept ourselves surrendered to? I find it hard to believe the true answer is Yes.
Watch-less running has been great though in keeping my delight in the endeavor long lasting. I haven't gotten to any point where I felt like I was weighed down by the numbers, and has taught me a good deal in listening to my body, and how I can respond with speeding up or slowing down without first deciding to upon looking at numbers. I think it was an asset in my last race, the Charlotte 10 miler just a week and a half ago.
I wanted to run faster than my last outing at this race, back in 2016, which was 109 flat. I felt like i was in similar shape, but had I watch on I would undoubtedly made it much harder to achieve the PR i did, besting that time by 2.5 mins. The first 2 miles when i asked a lady runner beside me what our time was, i was surprised. I felt okay pace wise, but was surprised to learn that I was clicking faster than my pace the previous race aforementioned. With a watch I wouldn't have had the cushion that i earned running fast. I would have put on the breaks and succumbed to my ascribed pace, rather than being true to my body - which i was doing. 5 miles in, half way, i asked another fellow male runner our time and he said a little over 33. Well, i felt still in control, and that i Had enought to pick it up a little bit. While feeling like I was picking it up, in racing i do know that that only means you are maintaining - most of the time. So maintain i did, and launched my to an even second half of the run, closing my race in 106.27. I was able to pick a few people off, and hold off anyone from passing me. The hill at mile 9 I tackled well, and the 10th mile I really picked it up, making up any lost time and then some, taking full advantage of the steady slight downhill straightaway.
Anyway, the word count is growing, and my eyelids are falling. Until next time.
A running log is a staple of a runner. Metrics are vastly used in the sport during the act, and penning them is our scorecard to the days record for statistical qualifiers and missed marks, showcasing our ascent into being the best we can be. Also, honestly stating our struggles gives value to when we overcome the hardships and provides perspective to the fullness of our cycle.
My blog was humming well before I discovered Dr. George Sheehan, and when i discovered him and his works, I had let go of writing - but i have thought about practicing it again. Like he says, "never trust a thinker who is still." Running, like I said above, opens the mind for great thought and a space for the Spirit to speak. I read where a monk said that running is a little to much movement to achieve a definitive meditative state (where walking can achieve this given it's slower nature), but running comes pretty close. Of course, like with anything else, it's never guaranteed - this epiphany type state. Like our runs, where we think we are set for a great outing, we are left feeling dull and dry from time to time.
One of the thoughts I had today was, I think i want to get a running watch again. Now, i won't jump headfirst back into apparatuses and tools, but having gone almost three years watch-less, I think easing back in to something that keeps stopwatch and splits won't be too aggressive. And when i thought that i wanted a watch again, it made me think - relating back to Wonder Women which i watched the other night - where, in the movie, Wonder Women, who isn't really fully human is puzzled to discover that man subjects himself to "time". It was an interesting thought: Why do we do that? With running, we can attest that time is the biggest motivator. Knowing where the time is ticking can unleash great amounts of power we didn't suspect we had. And it made me wonder: could we still achieve the same great heights in running if time was not something we kept ourselves surrendered to? I find it hard to believe the true answer is Yes.
Watch-less running has been great though in keeping my delight in the endeavor long lasting. I haven't gotten to any point where I felt like I was weighed down by the numbers, and has taught me a good deal in listening to my body, and how I can respond with speeding up or slowing down without first deciding to upon looking at numbers. I think it was an asset in my last race, the Charlotte 10 miler just a week and a half ago.
I wanted to run faster than my last outing at this race, back in 2016, which was 109 flat. I felt like i was in similar shape, but had I watch on I would undoubtedly made it much harder to achieve the PR i did, besting that time by 2.5 mins. The first 2 miles when i asked a lady runner beside me what our time was, i was surprised. I felt okay pace wise, but was surprised to learn that I was clicking faster than my pace the previous race aforementioned. With a watch I wouldn't have had the cushion that i earned running fast. I would have put on the breaks and succumbed to my ascribed pace, rather than being true to my body - which i was doing. 5 miles in, half way, i asked another fellow male runner our time and he said a little over 33. Well, i felt still in control, and that i Had enought to pick it up a little bit. While feeling like I was picking it up, in racing i do know that that only means you are maintaining - most of the time. So maintain i did, and launched my to an even second half of the run, closing my race in 106.27. I was able to pick a few people off, and hold off anyone from passing me. The hill at mile 9 I tackled well, and the 10th mile I really picked it up, making up any lost time and then some, taking full advantage of the steady slight downhill straightaway.
Anyway, the word count is growing, and my eyelids are falling. Until next time.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Chicago Marathon
without much excitement I pound these keys, but I know that I will be happy I put down my recap once memory starts to fade. Especially since I never did recap my lone Boston Marathon back in 2012, although I now have a better understanding as to why I did not.
So far I am 0-2 in the big marathons, as far as performing well. I won't go into the details of that Boston race, but suffice to say the heat got me that day, as it was one of the hottest days on record with the mercury rising to almost 90 degrees.
But as for this race just a few days ago, the main thing that played into the poor showing was my lack of self control in pacing myself from the beginning.
coming off a strong 2016 where i raced frequently and training throughout the year, i decided, as mentioned in the previous post, to sign up for the Chicago marathon. Jan. 1st I raced, but did not keep signing up for races like i did the year prior. My running in the winter and spring was ongoing- but it was lessened as I did not have mini goals to shoot for with regular road races to keep me honest. As Spring let on, I knew I had to at some point begin to take seriously the idea that I had 26.2 miles to run this October. While I began to get more consistent in late spring into summer, life kept getting in the way, and I started to feel the reality that I was not where i needed to be mileage wise/training wise with mature preparations for the marathon. Where I typically would build up long runs to be able to tackle the mid to high teen weekend long runs, I was neglecting them until about a month to go, at which point I finally got in a 13 mile run, and only 2+ weeks ago jumped up to an 18 mile run - which actually, given the terrain (mountains in Blowing Rock) i was pleasantly surprised with. But my pace was even and slow and my legs did not feel as good as they should towards the end, but not surprising given my lack of training.
Never mind not doing any workouts, the lack of long runs was what I came to Chicago with. My evaluation of what i needed to hit for a pace that could get me through as evenly as possible-still needing a little luck on my side for the final miles - was to run 8-815 per mile. After completing the aforementioned 18 mile long run 2 weeks prior, I got my legs fresh and was feeling as good as can be expected days before the race.
The forecast was going to be a little warmer than ideal, so an added variable was thrown into the mix -where an email encouraging runners to slow the pace to compensate was sent out the week of. I knew their warning was legit, experiencing the heat first hand at that Boston race, and I intended not to ignore the advice. Getting into Chicago 2 days before race day, I began carb loading on deep dish pizza and pasta, and got on the hotel treadmill for an easy 2 mile shake out the day before the race. I was healthy, legs feeling good, and knew I was as ready as I could be. Still, with only averaging 4 days a week, and about 25 miles per week of running all year, I was hoping to be around 3:30-3:40 for my finishing time - which would be about 8 min per mile, and I thought if I went over 8 min per mile pace in the beginning maybe i could drop it down the second half like I did under similar training my last marathon in 2016 at New River.
With the gun going off at 7:30, runners were encouraged to get down around 5:30-6am. The race set up was bigger than Boston, as it should be given it's a larger field by about 15-20k people. My first realization as to how big this race was was experiencing the HUGE expo the day before. The morning of the race was cool and perfect temperatures with degrees in the low 50s Fahrenheit. But we all knew it wasn't going to stay there. I drank water, chomped down a granola bar, and sucked up a gel before the race and was ready to go.
Oh - another thing that I was aware of needing to be careful of was being in the first Wave and the first Corral (which means I was just behind the elite men and the closest to the start of the race) as the runners in these spots are going to be faster than those behind you. Throw in 40,000 runners, and you basically were stacked in with folks who would be well under 3 hours finishing all around me at the beginning. So being cautious was even more imperative to hit my pace at the start.
The gun went off, and off we all went. The buzz was immediately felt as we started down Columbus Dr. (right past our hotel the first half mile of the race-Sheraton Grand), and seeing the swarms of spectators, let alone the throngs of runners ALL around starting off with much excitement. Right away my legs felt super fresh, springy, and light. I didn't go with the group, and tried to find a relaxed comfortable pace, hoping it would be around 8 mins per mile. Talking with my friend and fellow runner Josh Brewer the day before, I decided even if I was a little quick and under my pace the first couple miles that I could come back to where I needed to be, not wanting to waste the adrenaline that was stored up and let out the first couple of miles. When we past the first mile marker I asked a runner beside me our time, and he said 7 mins flat. Uh oh- didn't want to start out THAT much quicker. but the pace felt so easy and comfortable. I started thinking about how i felt the other marathons i ran, and i remembered they all felt easy and i had to be intentional not getting too quick - but i started to wonder - given how great i felt - if 8 miles was too conservative a target, and also - i did intend to take advantage of the buzz the first couple of miles anyway.
The races first few miles are downtime, and the crowds are huge. As we past the first 5k maker, my time of 22:42 I knew I had slowed it a tad from 7 flat, and still feeling slow and in control I thought I was fine. Around this time, or slightly before, i think mile 2, i saw that I was in lock step with the official 3:05 pace group/leader. I remember thinking - wow - this doesn't feel hard, if i keep it up I should have a Boston Qualifying time. This NEVER was even an idea to be this fast or to shoot for such a goal, let alone even the thought of me trying to get a BQ. I should have realized here I was starting to get carried away from my plan.
On I went, and right there I stayed on pace. Looking at the 10k clock on the course I knew I wasn't slowing down, and now being 6 miles in also knew that I hadn't slowed down were I only going quicker the first few miles--i was beyond that. I was holding this pace and subconsciously and even deliberately I was staying with the 3:05 pace group, while also feeling - at this point - that I could even still go harder the second half of the race. Around mile 10 I started to think that my legs were beginning to feel slightly taxed, and that this early in the race that should not be the case. In marathons were i was smart the first 14 miles felt like a walk in the park, like i was holding myself back. While i wasn't feeling like i was pushing it, at this point, i also was not feeling like i was holding myself back either. About here I stopped to pee and lost some time, and got behind the 3:05 pack, but I didn't fret about it at least. I felt like i was definitely going to be way under 3;30 so i let it go, and around mile 11 the 3:10 back came up to me.
taking gel at mile 5 gave me a boost, and mile 11 i did the same, and got a quick little boost again, heading into the half at 1:35. Here my legs definitely felt a more used than they should this early, but I wasn't noticeably slowing down a great deal. Soon after the half, at 25K (15.53 miles) I started to feel some slight cramping in my legs. Over the next 3 miles to where I hit 30k I slowed from 7:17 per mile to 7:25 per mile (total), meaning the last 3 miles I was over 8 min per mile pace - and i could tell. At 30k I wasn't nervous, but I was well on my to the pain effecting my mind as well. I knew I had 8 miles to go, and I felt like I was done. I had run the first 10 miles easy, the next 3 okay, and the last 5 slowing down more and more to where I was definitely in the mid 8's and feeling like I didn't have it in me to hold anywhere near a decent pace to the finish. From 30k to 35k is the area known as the Wall - for any level of marathoner, irregardless of fitness. Something about 18-20 miles is where the body starts digging to find extra stores of glycogen and nutrients as the body begins to be fully taxed. I've always felt the pain during this part of the marathon, but this time it was the worst ever. It wasn't something I knew I had to get through and just keep pushing til the finish, but this time it was - i know I'm not going to get through it and it will go away, i have to experience this crushing misery until the finish line. 8 miles of pain.
Looking back when the fatigue and muscle cramps in the legs began the second half of the race, it's amazing how much it took out of me mentally knowing that my lack of training, and foolish pace set me up to realize that there was no way out. Had I gone my pace, and put in the training i knew this period would be temporary and my legs would have enough to hold until mile 26. Now all my mental fortitude was going to be used to not quit and drop out of the race.
from 18 miles to 21 miles I was at near a 10 min per mile pace. This stretch was where i succumbed first to walking. As bad as I felt I never wanted to walk because remembering Boston, it only made it that much harder to resume. Yet the leg pain was so intense I had no choice. Between brief spells of walking I would try and shuffle my legs. Fighting through the last 3 miles to where I went from 8 mins to 10 min per mile, at mile 21 i still had over 5 miles to go and the mental anguish was daunting. It never go easier, and only worse. From 35k-40k (miles 21-24) I went from 10 mins + per mile to 15 mins plus per mile. One foot in front of the other is all i was trying to do. I wanted to stop, but I knew i had to stay in motion. I would think of my daughters, my wife, my dad - who ran this marathon back in 1981 and which gave me the inspiration to sign up for it- and my cousins/family who were in town and would be at the finish. I was a, and dry heaved, and the sun was only warming things up. Bananas, oranges, Gatorade, water - i was consuming as much as I could at every opportunity despite the upset stomach of my insides reeling because i knew with my body shutting down, neglecting intake of nutrients would resign me to a total collapse. With the sign reading 5k until finish i knew 3.1 miles was something I COULD push myself through, but I was doing every mental trick, prayer, and thing i could to keep going. 2 miles to go - i started shuffling more than walking but the pain was excruciating. I thought, this is hell. Where I had felt this before at Boston, it was not nearly as long (Boston only did i feel like this the last 2 miles or so). I vowed I would never come as under-trained and overconfident to a marathon again. People were seeing participants at all levels hurt, and the encouragement from some of the spectators was immensely valuable.
I tried to stay in the moment, and visualize the end where it would all be over, and tell myself that this is temporary. The future present moment won't feel like this, and all i can do is just be present and not fight the pain but let the future come to be by moving my feet forward.
I mile to go. As i looked back on the last several miles, i realized that space time is warped at the end of a marathon. The beginning miles tick off quickly and the end they go on forever. While technically the distance is the "same" the chemical makeup of the brain after sustained fatigue registers the miles unequally, and we are subject to this new reality. The 3:30 group had passed me somewhere after mile 20, and the 3:45 pace group passed me somewhere after mile 24. I had a glimmer of hope that I would still be under 4 hours at the finish, but even that was over weighed by just the desire to not quit. Shuffling to the end, I saw the final turns and knew I would make it. I came to the finish in 3:47:58. It was a little surprising given what I went through that I was still faster than Boston (3:54) but that was only thanks to my fast pace the first 16 or so miles. Plus Chicago being a flat and fast course, compared to Boston's hills.
The walk from finish to family reunite area felt like forever as my mind and body were trying to normalize, taking in protein shakes, beer, water, cold rags, and aluminum blankets - simultaneously fighting chills and the need to cool down. But I had done it. I had danced with the devil, and I hadn't quit. I finished under 4 hours, and I consider the race equal parts bitter (obviously the pain/costing myself a better time had i run smarter in the beginning) and sweet (finishing the race and not quitting or dropping out).
The marathon is a huge physical and mental test, a life experience, and I know i'm richer for having gone through it. Thank you God for keeping me safe! Amen.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
running with the Spirit
it must have been around 2 years ago now that my watch died, and I decided not to replace it. At that time I wasn't running too much or at very high a level, and not really sensing an urge to get another watch, kept on running-without one, for the first time in my life.
Today, i still haven't replaced my watch, and i still run.
Right after i lost it and was still running, i thought i'd keep it up until I had finished the New River Marathon (May 2016) or at the end of the calendar year, and then reassess, assuming i'd probably get a watch. As i signed up for races at the beginning of 2016 to get ready for the May marathon, i was nervous to not have a watch during a race-something that's much different than just running for fun/fitness. But with clocks on the course, a good sense of my pace, and proximity to other runners with beeping watches where i could ask the time, it went fine and so i kept on racing without. Then the marathon, where i was still somewhat anxious not not have the time on my wrist as i covered 26 miles, but .... the over conservative approach to not go out too hard, especially with not having a watch, paid off, and i felt myself more free at the end to not reign it in when i really started to leave it all out on the course the last 10k of the 26.2 mile course. And so, i kept it going through 2016, and up to now with no foreseeable time that i might get back to the world of running watches.
2017 has been different than 2016 in that i haven't raced (other than the New Years trail race), so i haven't thought about a watch as much but i have been running despite not stepping up to a starting line. At the end of last year, i decided to make the plunge and register for the Chicago marathon this Oct. 8th 2017. I was admitted via their lottery, and have been confirmed as a participant since the beginning of this calendar year. With that, my goal of 26.2 has been in my sights for the entirety of this 2017 to date. I ran, infrequently during the months of Jan-April, and in May started to try and get a little more regular with getting a run in. June came, and I became more regular still. Since the beginning of the summer i have kept it consistent at about 3.5 - 4 times a week average at about 20-30 miles per week.
Only last week did I hit over 40 miles, and also only last week did i finally turn in a long run that was over 14 miles...hitting 18 miles at the Moses Cone/Trout Lake trails.
as well as ditching the watch, i also have ditched the weblog of writing for my handwritten journal. It's served me well, but i do miss the ease and quickness of weblogging my runs and also the ability to fire at the keys to help jog the mind with writing. I've thought about getting a Google Chromebook for easy access to keyboard writing, and i might need to take the plunge, as part of my departure from this website and turning to the paged journal was not having a decent laptop at home and reducing my office time from entries such as this!
While i've gone much more Zen/Old School with my running and writing, I do plan on trying to recap more runs/entries on running in the future because seeing what i did in the past still can serve me today when i want to remember what i did, and how it went. The past can be helpful for the present and the future, as well as just the act of recording and writing can help keep the mental cobwebs off. But another aspect is that a journal is vital to the process of contemplation/listening/understanding/gleaning wisdom, much of which comes from our times alone out on a run. And so there has been some that i have missed from not recording, and I hope to at Least get back to hitting the highlights, and capturing the experience of the Chicago Marathon that goes off 9 days from now.
but as for today, had a nice 30 min shake out recovery run, with keeping the tank full for my last "long(semi)" run tomorrow.
Today, i still haven't replaced my watch, and i still run.
Right after i lost it and was still running, i thought i'd keep it up until I had finished the New River Marathon (May 2016) or at the end of the calendar year, and then reassess, assuming i'd probably get a watch. As i signed up for races at the beginning of 2016 to get ready for the May marathon, i was nervous to not have a watch during a race-something that's much different than just running for fun/fitness. But with clocks on the course, a good sense of my pace, and proximity to other runners with beeping watches where i could ask the time, it went fine and so i kept on racing without. Then the marathon, where i was still somewhat anxious not not have the time on my wrist as i covered 26 miles, but .... the over conservative approach to not go out too hard, especially with not having a watch, paid off, and i felt myself more free at the end to not reign it in when i really started to leave it all out on the course the last 10k of the 26.2 mile course. And so, i kept it going through 2016, and up to now with no foreseeable time that i might get back to the world of running watches.
2017 has been different than 2016 in that i haven't raced (other than the New Years trail race), so i haven't thought about a watch as much but i have been running despite not stepping up to a starting line. At the end of last year, i decided to make the plunge and register for the Chicago marathon this Oct. 8th 2017. I was admitted via their lottery, and have been confirmed as a participant since the beginning of this calendar year. With that, my goal of 26.2 has been in my sights for the entirety of this 2017 to date. I ran, infrequently during the months of Jan-April, and in May started to try and get a little more regular with getting a run in. June came, and I became more regular still. Since the beginning of the summer i have kept it consistent at about 3.5 - 4 times a week average at about 20-30 miles per week.
Only last week did I hit over 40 miles, and also only last week did i finally turn in a long run that was over 14 miles...hitting 18 miles at the Moses Cone/Trout Lake trails.
as well as ditching the watch, i also have ditched the weblog of writing for my handwritten journal. It's served me well, but i do miss the ease and quickness of weblogging my runs and also the ability to fire at the keys to help jog the mind with writing. I've thought about getting a Google Chromebook for easy access to keyboard writing, and i might need to take the plunge, as part of my departure from this website and turning to the paged journal was not having a decent laptop at home and reducing my office time from entries such as this!
While i've gone much more Zen/Old School with my running and writing, I do plan on trying to recap more runs/entries on running in the future because seeing what i did in the past still can serve me today when i want to remember what i did, and how it went. The past can be helpful for the present and the future, as well as just the act of recording and writing can help keep the mental cobwebs off. But another aspect is that a journal is vital to the process of contemplation/listening/understanding/gleaning wisdom, much of which comes from our times alone out on a run. And so there has been some that i have missed from not recording, and I hope to at Least get back to hitting the highlights, and capturing the experience of the Chicago Marathon that goes off 9 days from now.
but as for today, had a nice 30 min shake out recovery run, with keeping the tank full for my last "long(semi)" run tomorrow.
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